So,

I played at this church this weekend and quite frankly it pissed me off. This alone is of great encouragement to me. The constant question within me is "Have I lost my Waco and completely abandoned the God of the bible in exchange for some whacked religion based on things other than truth?" I constantly think I've backslidden because I swear now quite regularly, I smoke pipes and cigars, I drink alcohol and enjoy it, and I'm bugged by most church services. As for the smoking, swearing, and drinking, that's a whole other argument that I feel has been discussed by us all numerous times. However, the being bugged by conservative Christianity thing is really getting to me. I hate walking out of a church service feeling the turmoil of contradiction. On one hand, these are my brothers and sisters. These are the people who claim to be in love with the same God that I am in love with. On the other hand, I often feel deeply insulted, judged, offended, and angered when leaving a church.

So, since I have limited power to change the world around me I continue to attempt to make the best out of things. I have decided/realized that this anger/pain is a great care for the church. That's really what I feel I'm tapping into. This bride, no matter what state she's in (that's not even for me to decide except as an equal, self-critical, part of said bride) is the love of Christ. When I feel we are missing out on God's truth I weep. And when I feel we are touching on God's truth I rejoice extremely. So perhaps this nearly seemingly heretical attribute of mine is perhaps a care and longing for a perfect bride. So that thought brought some encouragement to me as I go through all of this crap.

Now, my response to these feelings is a mystery unknown even to me. What do I do about these things. Jen, my girlfriend (not a Christian), felt deeply offended when she sat through these services with me on Sunday, and not in a offended by the gospel kind of way. She felt major "holier-than-thou" tones in the whole sermon. She was told that Christians should insulate themselves from people in the world (her) and other such nonsense. I was very saddened. Here's a church that wishes they could reach out to a person like Jen; they probably even state that at some point in time in a mission statement, but they can't even worship the God of love and kindness without insulting her and deeply offending her. Something doesn't make sense there. So what do I do about it? I don't know. Should I refuse to play in places like that. Not that I'm better than that or anything. I have the right to choose where I spend my time and I believe that my time is very special and valuable (that's why I choose to give it to cool friends like you'all). I want to spend my time in the most glorifying way possible. Is feeding the machine the right thing? That's just one suggested thing to do but the point is that I have no idea what to do with these feelings except to try to live out my convictions as best I can here in my life at school. Is that enough? Will that help change the church into the bride she's supposed to be? I don't know.

So I retire to bed frustrated and clueless about this. Any thoughts?

-Jason